Moment of Douche

Born Into Douchedom

2006-04-19T14:03:00.000-04:00

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' spawn, Suri, entered the world a douche. Birth was her Moment of Douche.

He Blinded Me With Douchebaggery

2006-04-10T12:08:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Kevin Federline (K-Fed, K-Fug, Kevin Doucherline) sampled a song that sampled "She Blinded Me With Science." And writer of that little gem, Thomas Dolby, claims that Doucherline didn't ask permission. From Dolby's blog: "Turns out K-Fed has no management, label or lawyer, so it's going to be hard getting hold of him. So K-Fed, if you're reading this, I'm asking you nicely to take the track down (from MySpace) ASAP. Or maybe you'd prefer me to come after some of your wife's ill-gotten gains?"

OK. So Moment of Douche is posting this because this Douche Destroyer saw an opportunity to use the headline "He Blinded Me With Douchebaggery" and took it. And the more K-Fed pictures on this site, the better.

Douchetox

2006-03-06T18:02:00.000-05:00

It's like staring at the sun. Her immobile face makes my eyes water.
I adored Nicole Kidman as the ditzy, determined Suzanne Stone in "To Die For," but I don't think the real Nicole Kidman is with us anymore. She's been replaced by a plasticy version, and she's a douche.

"Defanitely" a Douche

2006-02-15T12:45:00.000-05:00

"Definitely" is definitely one of the most misspelled words in my little corner of the Web.

"I'll defanitely make this recipe again!"

"Katie and Tom have defanitly spawned an alien!"

"This free couch defanitely needs some TLC." (Translation: Bodily fluids abound.)

If you're a douche and you don't know the depths of your own ignorance, just avoid the word. I'll definitely be happier, and as a bonus, you'll look smarter.

Cap'n Douche

2005-12-07T16:45:00.000-05:00

Melinda, Danny and Danny's Capped Teeth make for a douchetastic threesome.

Oh, and Douche Patrol really likes his Orange Julius skin.

Celebridouche

2005-12-06T17:36:00.000-05:00

Is it now mandatory that celebs fuck with their faces? More evidence of Hollywood douchebaggery (like we needed it).
(Photo found at Awful Plastic Surgery.)

Douchevan

2005-11-17T17:52:00.000-05:00

I fucking hate douchevans.

Mrs. Doucherline

2005-11-16T23:50:00.000-05:00

Henceforth, this photo shall be the example of a new species of douche: the Lactating, Braless, Hit-the-Wall Famous Douche. This type of douche is often accompanied by the Overly Grateful, Painfully Oblivious Mother Figure Douche.

Enjoy.

Moore Douche

2005-11-15T15:53:00.000-05:00

It's official.

Mandy Moore is a douche.

Any celebrity who puts above photo on a Flickr account, presumably for the world to find and fawn over, has committed an act of douchebaggery. It's like when one of the most popular girls in school joins the yearbook club in order to saturate the pages with her dimple-filled photos.

And no, I wasn't in the yearbook club. If I had been, there would have been a ban on zapf chancery, which is the Douche Font of the Ages.

Douche Dream

2005-11-15T12:09:00.000-05:00

Is one's brain capable of douchebaggery during sleep? This question warrants further study, but if last night's REM foray is any indication, there's a whole lotta douchebaggery in my subconscious. I don't let it escape during the day, because I'm not a douche. But it aches for a release nonetheless, and so enter the Douche Dream.

I was in what we'll call a garage sale store. It resembled a Salvation Army store, but was darker and lacking the moth ball odor. I came upon an Edie Brickell CD and purchased it. Cut to my home, where I am showing my father my wares. He opens the Brickell CD and exclaims that I have purchased an Edie Brickell CD that is worth at least $84,000 because of its "titanium dioxide core." (This is, apparently, quite rare.) I am thrilled. The next night I am drunk, naturally, and ask Ms. Brickell (who has yellow trinkets woven into her filthy hair) whether the titanium dioxide core CD is worth $84,000. She confirms the rumor. I say/slur that I found her precious CD at a junk store. Ha! She offers faux congratulations, and tells me that she, too, owns a titanium dioxide core CD, but has never had to cash it in because she is so rich. The end.

I'm not aware of too many things, but I know what I want and it's not a douche dream.

Blogger Douche

2005-11-09T22:03:00.000-05:00

Yeah, we're really bummed out when Go Fug Yourself posts one per day. Like, wasn't there a time when you bitches did at least two or three? Did you get tired of the word "twee"? 'Cuz we didn't.

(Editor's note: This is a dual Douche Destroyer/Patrol posting. This is fucking wittiness beyond belief.)

So one of our blog links has an administrator who demanded that we post. And post often. Thus, despite our best instincts and our general laziness, here are some sweet douche-filled posts. But before we get to that, here's a few words for Blogger Douche:

You said "cunty."

Douchemaid Pt. 2

2005-11-09T20:46:00.000-05:00

Let's just say if you're:
1) a brides-fucking-maid and
2) singing in the FUCKING WEDDING
you should be allowed to bring a FUCKING date. If not, mmm, maybe, um, yeah, maybe, your friend is, yep, a douche.

America's Next Top Veronica Mars Douche

2005-11-09T20:25:00.000-05:00

Stacy.
Tie.
Khakis.

Are we seriously going to have to add the words "token lesbian" to the pop culture vernacular? Because I don't wanna. But too late.

Answer: Douchetastic!

2005-10-07T01:09:00.000-04:00

Question: What is the Douche-ese translation of Comcast's new slogan?

Douche Detection (Sign No. 2)

2005-10-03T13:03:00.000-04:00

See comment by Anonymous under the post, "Douche Detection (Sign No. 1)."

Ten bucks says he's a Canadian engineer who wears a pinky ring. And is therefore a douche.

Douche Detection (Sign No. 1)

2005-09-06T18:11:00.000-04:00

Do not overlook the physical signs of douchebaggery.

Sign No. 1: The Pinky Ring

There are no excuses for this type of douche adornment. A pinky ring really makes but one statement to the world: "Warning. I am a Giant, Leaky Douche. I am even more repugnant than your Everyday Douche because I have no clue that only a Giant, Leaky Douche would don a pinky ring."

Please limit your douche intake. Heed the obvious warning of The Pinky Ring.

Douchemaid

2005-08-23T23:56:00.000-04:00

So I'm pretty sure that whenever you involve "tulle," you're a douchemaid.